


Incorrect Dumb Baby Quotes

by scaryfangirl2001



Series: Correctly Stated Incorrections [18]
Category: Rugrats & All Grown Up! (Cartoons)
Genre: Alternate Universe - She's the Man Fusion, Alternate Universe - Two Broke Girls Fusion, F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-20
Updated: 2020-03-16
Packaged: 2020-10-21 09:10:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20691020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scaryfangirl2001/pseuds/scaryfangirl2001
Summary: Chapter 1: When her brother decides to ditch for a couple of weeks, Lil heads over to his elite boarding school, disguised as him, and proceeds to fall for his school's star soccer player, and soon learns she's not the only one with romantic troubles.





	1. Source: She's the Man

**Author's Note:**

> In the collection of stories I wrote in April

     **Betty**: [_After hearing about Lil breaking up with Nicolas_] But why? He's so handsome, and rugged, and chiseled, and great.
     **Lil**: Then why don't you date him, Mom?
     **Betty**: [_Pauses to fantasize, then giggles_] Oh, no... I couldn't.

* * *

     **Lil**: I just can't do this.
     **Susie**: Just remember, inside every girl, there's a boy. [_Pause_] That came out wrong but you know what I mean.

* * *

     **Sean**: "Freshman dorms are that-a-way twiglet."
     **Justin**: "Yeah, seriously how old are you?"
     **Lil**: [as Phil] "I skipped a couple grades. Shh! I'm brilliant".

* * *

     **Coach Proctor**: [_about to assign teams for practice, one having their shirts on, the other off_] OK, shirts and skins!
     **Lil**: Pardon me, sir. I have to be a shirt.
     **Coach Proctor**: _What?!_
     **Lil**: I'm allergic to the sun.
     **Coach Proctor**: You're allergic to the sun.
     **Lil**: Very, very, very deathly, deathly allergic.
     **Coach Proctor**: Well, we like to accommodate, here at Illyria, so I'll follow you around with a parasol. Alright, nancy-boy? [_Marks his clipboard_] You're a shirt.

* * *

     **Lil**: _[as Phil]_ What does your heart tell you?
     **Chuckie**: What?
     **Lil**: I mean... which one would you rather see NAKED?

* * *

     **Kimi**: What's this? Poems?
     **Lil**: Lyrics. They're his... my, my old stuff.
     **Kimi**: [_reading_] "Wake up I've been waiting for you". [_Continues reading_] Those are really good. So honest.
     **Lil**: I know. I keep telling him... me... meself... my... myself.
     **Tommy**: I write songs too, Kimi.
     **Kimi**: Really? Wonderful.
     **Tommy**: Check it out. [_sings_] I see you through your window, while I'm standing on a tree outside.

* * *

     **Chuckie**: [_Using one of Lil's tampons after getting into a fight with Nicolas at the carnival_] Oh, yeah, I uh, borrowed one of your... yeah... and you're right, they really do work.
     **Lil**: _[as Phil]_ Oh my God, you're hurt! [_Clears throat_] I mean, suck it up. Be a man and rub some dirt on it.
     **Chuckie**: All right, I'll rub some dirt on it...

* * *

     **Lil**: _[as Phil]_ Angelica!
     **Lil**: _[clears throat]_ Uh, Angelica! Why didn't you wake me up?
     **Angelica**: You looked so serene. [_As 'Phil' hurriedly leaves_] I made breakfast, darling!

* * *

     **Sean**: "Dude, why do you have tampons in your boot?"
     **Lil**:[as Phil] "Uh, I get really bad nose bleeds?"
     **Chuckie**: " So you stick them up your nose?"
     **Lil**: "Yeah! You mean you've never done that? [guys shake heads] Oh my god, Beckham does it all the time!
     **Chuckie**: "No."
     **Lil**: "Look, I'll show you. You take that off.. and whatever that is.. and you just stick it right in. It absorbs right up!"

* * *

     **Lil**: _(Singing)_ I get to take a shower. I get to take a shower.
     **Tommy**: [_startled gasp then realizes he forgot to introduce himself_] Tommy Pickles, Dorm Director. Shower shoes are to be worn in the bathroom at all times except when in the actual shower! ...Did you not read your "Dorm Life" pamphlet? It was in your cubby.
    [_Chuckie walks in and hits Tommy behind the head with a towel. Malcolm emits a high-pitched squeal_]
     **Lil**: Sup dog?
     **Chuckie**: [_Sarcastically_]Yeah, what's kickin', homie?
     **Lil**: Later.
     **Chuckie**: Hey, you forgot, ew...

[_holding up Lil's chest bandage_]

     **Chuckie**: This, coolio.
     **Lil**: Word, G-man.

* * *

     **Tommy**: I am convinced he's hiding something.
     **Principal Pangborn**: Oh, nonsense, Tommy. He may be a little lost and confused, but deep down he's an all-American, red-blooded male, just like yourself.
     **Lil**: [_Walking by, dressed as Phil, while on the phone_] Mom, I will pick out my own dress. And no, I will not wear high heels. Because heels are a male invention designed to make women's butts look smaller... and to make it harder for them to run away.
     **Principal Pangborn**: Tommy, have you ever tried to run away in high heels?
     **Tommy**: No, sir, I...
     **Principal Pangborn**: Not that easy. Not that easy...

* * *

[_Tommy and Savannah have convinced Principal Pangborn to break up the soccer game and reveal that Lil is impersonating her brother; the real Phil is there and has proved he is male by exposing his genitals. This proves extremely embarrassing for Principal Pangborn._]

     **Principal Pangborn**: [_Shouting through his megaphone directly into Tommy's ear_] TOMMY! CAN YOU SHED SOME LIGHT ON THE CURRENT SITUATION?
     **Tommy**: [_Also embarassed_] No more than has already been shed, sir.

* * *

     **Coach Proctor**: [_Shouting, as he walks quickly over to where the Illyria and Cornwall players are fighting_] Break it up. Break it up! [_Grabs a Cornwall player and an Illyria player_] Okay, tough guys. You want to box, then get out of my stadium. Or otherwise, get on with the game. All right? That goes for the rest of ya. Now get on and play some real football! Like a bunch of girls!
     **Principal Pangborn**: [_Through his megaphone, trying unsuccessfully to mimic Proctor's charismatic voice_] Yeah! Let's play some real football like a bunch of girls!

* * *

[_A figure is approaching through the fog; Lil assumes it is Chuckie_]

     **Lil**: I didn't think you'd show up. It really means a lot to me that you're here. Say something.
     **Groundskeeper**: I gotta turn the sprinklers on.

* * *

[_Phil teaching Chuckie how to talk to girls_]

     **Duke**: Ok. Um, do you like... cheese? [_Snickers_]
     **Phil**: [_In a high voice_] Why yes, I do. My favorite's Gouda. [_Poses and smiles_]

* * *

[_Lil gets hit in the crotch with the soccer ball_]

     **Boys**: OOOOHHHH! OWWWW!
     **Lil (as Phil)**: Huh? Oh. Right. OWWW! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! IT BURNS!


	2. Source: 2 Broke Girls

** _Pilot_ ** ** [1.01] **

**Hipster #1**: Excuse me. Waitress? Dude? _[snapping his fingers]_

**Angelica**: Hi, what can I get ya?

**Hipster #1**: We need some...

**Angelica**: _[snaps her fingers in his face every time she speaks]_ Is that annoying? Is that obnoxious and rude? Would you find it distracting if someone did that to you while you were working? Oh, you don't have a job. Sorry.

**Hipster #2**: Damn, dude, she burned you.

**Angelica**: Oh. _[snaps her fingers in front of Hipster #2 too]_ No, hipster. No. Do not think we're on the same team. We have nothing in common. I wear knit hats when it's cold out. You wear knit hats 'cause of [Coldplay](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Coldplay). You have tattoos to piss off your dad. My dad doesn't know he's my dad. _[turns to Hipster #1]_ And finally, you think _[snaps her fingers in his face]_ this is the sound that gets you service. I think _[snaps again]_ this is the sound that dries up my vagina.

\---------------------------------------

**Angelica**: _[notices Susie sleeping on the subway]_ Hey.

**Susie**: I have a taser! _[wakes up suddenly and tasers Angelica, who falls unconscious to the ground]_ Oh, my God. I am so sorry. I didn't think it would hurt so much. It's pink.

**Angelica**: It didn't feel pink.

**Susie**: I didn't know it was you. I thought I was being raped.

**Angelica**: That's not what rape feels like.

** **

** _And the Break-up Scene_ ** ** [1.02] **

**Susie**: Are you sure you're fine? 'Cause I heard you crying last night.

**Angelica**: I don't cry. I sold my tear ducts to an organ bank for cash two years ago.

**Susie**: I was on the couch. And I heard you crying alone in your bedroom.

**Angelica**: Really? What did the crying sound like?

**Susie**: Like... _[moaning]_

**Angelica**: I wasn't crying.

**Susie**: Well, then what were you d— _[Angelica widens her eyes in irony]_ Oh! So none of my business.

\------------------------------------------------

**Susie**: When I went to the cute coffee place, I spoke to the counter girl, Nabulangi—

**Angelica**: If someone named Nabulangi is making an appearance in the first sentence, I have to sit down.

**Susie**: And she said her manager'll be in at 11:00. So I thought I'd Chanel it up, walk on over there, introduce myself and your fabulous cupcakes.

**Angelica**: That's exactly what I was gonna do.

**Susie**: I'm just gonna go say good-bye to Fluffy and get going. You know, having only one cute outfit takes hours off getting dressed. _[walks out into the backyard]_ Oh. That is a lot of fresh Brooklyn. Morning, Fluffy, it's a beautiful— _[slips and falls on Fluffy's feces]_

**Angelica**: No. Way.

_[Susie walks back inside with feces all over her dress]_

**Angelica**: Look, Chanel Number 2. _[laughs]_

_\---------------------------------------_

**Angelica**: Okay, ready to go?

**Susie**: Do we have to? It's so hot outside. When did heat get so hot?

**Angelica**: Stop fighting it, just give in to it. I don't know why I'm quoting a rapist.

\----------------------------------------

**Susie**: Um, didn't you see me crying?

**Angelica**: Lots of people cry at Goodwill. You go to France, you eat snails. You come here, you cry.

**Susie**: That's odd, you didn't even react. You need to react when people cry.

**Angelica**: I did, I rolled my eyes. Look, eventually, you'll learn to do that on the inside.

**Susie**: Okay, well, just FYI, when I used to cry in front of my other girlfriends, they'd be like, "What you cryin' about, S-Slice? Look at you, girl, you're fierce, you got your glam on!"

**Angelica**: Are your girlfriends drag queens?

** \-------------------------------------------**

**Angelica**: _[after Phil decides to install a karaoke machine in the diner]_ You can't give hipsters a microphone. That's like throwing gasoline on a pretentious fire.

**Phil**: Hipsters like karaoke.

**Angelica**: Replace the word "like" with the word "Hitler" and you've got the three worst things in history.

\-------------------------------------------------

_[Angelica and Susie break into Susie's closet in her old townhouse, and Angelica is amazed by it.]_

**Angelica**: What?! No way! No way! Is this [Narnia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narnia_\(world\))? I'm about to say something I swore I'd never say. OMG! Again, OMG! It's lame, but nothing else really nails it. This is the room that OMG was born for.

**Susie**: Angelica, it's just my closet.

**Angelica**: Your clothes have a house!

\------------------------------------------------

**Savannah**: _Hola_, dudarinos. Laundromat's closing early. We've rented it out for our '80s pop-up disco party. Nicole.

_[Nicole hands Angelica a flyer of the party]_

**Angelica**: Shouldn't it be called an "'80s pop-up lame hipster will do anything to be ironic and lame" party?

**Angelica**: Come on, Fluffy, go poo-poo near the hipsters. Hey, how cool would it be if we could get Fluff to go poo _on_ a hipster?

**Susie**: How can all of those people have $75 just to dance at a laundromat? I've been doing my roots with white-out.

**Angelica**: Hipsters in Williamsburg will pay for anything if it makes them feel like they're in on something new no one else knows about. All you need's a gimmick.

\--------------------------------------------------

**Susie**: So, tell me, did you give Kimi the card?

**Angelica**: No, I didn't.

**Susie**: Why?

**Angelica**: It was like my mouth wouldn't let me do it.

**Susie**: That's crazy. What's so hard about going up to Kimi and saying, "Good afternoon, Kimi. Exciting news... I started a cupcake business. Here's our card. Please pass them out to all your friends and help us launch our exciting new business venture. Thank you."

**Angelica**: That sounds needy, like when someone asks you to come to their one-woman show. "Somebody date-raped me, and I didn't think I'd live through it, but I did, and now I'm stronger, and, uh, still needy."

**Angelica**: Call him right now! He can't come over here. Look around! I have his napkins hanging up everywhere. He'll think I'm [Dexter](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dexter_Morgan). _[Intercom buzzes]_ Don't answer that. Don't you...

**Susie**: _[answering intercom]_ Come on in, Chuckie. Yes, I did it. I need a bed.

**Angelica**: You are so selfish!

**Susie**: Yes, I'm selfish, and you're Dexter. So, quick... help me take down the napkins. Oh, God, there are so many! How come I never noticed how many there were before?

**Angelica**: I don't know. Same reason you didn't notice your father stealing everybody's money?

**Susie**: Really? Really? Now when I'm helping you?

**Angelica**: You're right. We'll trash you later.

\---------------------------------------------------

**Susie**: I have a surprise. I redecorated my room. I scoped out some cheap fabric in bedding places down on Houston Street. What do you think? _[pulls down her Murphy bed]_

**Angelica**: I think you've made a vagina.

**Susie**: What?

**Angelica**: Sister, you may think that sex is the last thing on your mind, but you turned your bed into a vagina.

**Susie**: Do you think my vagina has curtains?

**Angelica**: I don't know how long it's been.

**Susie**: I'm tired. I'm going to bed.

**Angelica**: Okay, but I still have to make the cupcakes to bring by that place tomorrow. I don't wanna keep you awake, so why don't you sleep in my bed tonight and I'll pass out on your vagina?

**Susie**: Okay, but you better buy me breakfast in the morning.

\-----------------------------------------

**Serena**: All right, let's go around and introduce ourselves and tell us why you came tonight. Let's start with the cute guys.

**Lil and Kimi**: Always!

**Steve**: I'm Steve, I thought this would be a fun idea for my bachelor party. I'm getting married to Michael... right there.

**Lil**: So cute. God bless!

**Michael #1**: And I'm Michael.

**Michael #2**: I'm Michael as well.

**Michael #3**: Michael.

**Kimi**: Oh... So many Michaels. _[turns to Angelica]_ And you are?

**Angelica**: Michael. No, I'm Angelica.

\-----------------------------------

**Z**: Pick up. Table 10, table 12, table 69.

**Susie**: Z, there is no table 69.

**Z**: There could be.

**Susie**: Z just sixty-nined me, and now I don't remember any of the table numbers.

**Angelica**: Look, he's never gonna stop sixty-nining us. Forget the table numbers. Here's how you remember your orders. You just give people nicknames. Look, I got Thin Cee-Lo, Fat [Rihanna](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Rihanna), [Jon Beret Ramsey](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/JonBen%C3%A9t_Ramsey), and [Kristen Bad Wig](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kristen_Wiig).

**Susie**: Oh, okay. I got [Seth Rogaine](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seth_Rogen), Child Molester Moustache, and Lesbian [Justin Bieber](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Justin_Bieber).

\---------------------------------------

**Angelica**: _[to Z and Phil]_ What are you staring at? It's just clothes.

**Z**: Angelica, you look like a lady. Tonight when I dream of having sex with you, as always, this time I will ask you to stay.

**Susie**: Angelica, you look perfect for your date.

**Angelica**: It's not a date.

**Susie**: It is.

**Phil**: No, it's not. It's a booty call.

**Angelica**: There is a fresh, white billboard. I'm climbing it with my friend, and we're putting up his artwork.

**Phil**: Booty call on a billboard. If it's after 2:30, the call is for the dirty.

**Angelica**: What's that from? [Dr. Seuss](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Dr._Seuss)' _[Oh, the Places You'll Put It In](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oh,_the_Places_You%27ll_Go!)_?

** _And the Really Petty Cash_ ** ** [1.09]**

**Susie**: You'll never guess who just came into the restaurant. You'll be very happy.

**Angelica**: Gary, the fat guy from _[Teen Mom](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Teen_Mom)_?

**Susie**: Someone you like, someone you want to kiss, someone you're hot for.

**Angelica**: Tyler, the skinny guy from _Teen Mom_?

**Angelica**: I kissed Chuckie.

**Susie**: What? When?

**Angelica**: He came by the apartment right after you left.

**Susie**: I was only gone 20 minutes. What'd you do, shine a bat symbol on your vagina?

\-------------------------------------

** _And the Very Christmas Thanksgiving_ ** ** [1.10]**

**Susie**: You're lucky I edited your application.

**Angelica**: Why, what was so bad?

**Susie**: You requested to work in Santa's sex toy shop. Angelica, that's not even a thing.

**Angelica**: Tell that to my candy-cane-shaped vibrator.

**Susie**: Angelica!

**Angelica**: I call it "Santa's big helper."

\-------------------------------------

**Angelica**: It'll be a miracle on 34th Street if we make it out of the bottom of this slave ship without elf scurvy.

**Wally**: Hi. I couldn't help but overhear you mention _[Miracle on 34th Street](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Miracle_on_34th_Street)_. That's my absolute favorite Christmas movie.

**Susie**: Mine too!

**Wally**: My second favorite is _[It's a Wonderful Life](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/It%27s_a_Wonderful_Life)_.

**Susie**: Mine too!

**Angelica**: I've got _[Schindler's List](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Schindler%27s_List)_ on Blu-ray.

**Wally**: Hi. I'm Wally.

**Susie**: I'm Susie.

**Wally**: _[turns to Angelica]_ Hi. I'm Wally.

**Angelica**: It's cool, we don't need to talk.

\----------------------------------

** _And the Reality Check_ ** ** [1.11]**

**Phil:** Look, two parties of cool hipsters are sitting at tables near wall. _[referring to a group of four hipsters sitting next to two homeless men]_

**Angelica**: You think those are six hipsters? Okay, let's go over this one more time. Hipster or homeless pop quiz, ready?

**Phil:** Ready.

**Angelica**: Hipsters wear?

**Phil:** Skinny jeans.

**Angelica**: Homeless wear?

**Phil:** Dirty jeans.

**Angelica**: Hipsters listen to?

**Phil:** [Radiohead](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Radiohead).

**Angelica**: Homeless listen to?

**Phil:** The voices in their head.

**Angelica**: Hipsters have?

**Phil:** Beard and a blog.

**Angelica**: Homeless have?

**Phil:** Beard and so much sadness. I see sadness, there and there.

\-----------------------------------------------------

**Angelica**: I'll handle this. _[walks toward the group of hipsters]_ I told you before, I don't want your kind in here. Take a trendy hike. Better step it up. The [Apple Store](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apple_Store) closes at ten.

**Phil:** Angelica, why did you kick out the hipsters?

**Angelica**: 'Cause I could not be in the background of another [Instagram](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Instagram) photo.

\------------------------------------------------------

**Angelica**: Z, take a picture of your junk on this customer's camera.

**Z**: Done.

**Angelica**: Aren't you gonna ask why?

**Z**: No need.

_[Susie screams]_

**Susie**: I just saw Z's...

**Angelica**: Yeah, that might have been my fault. Kind of a shock seeing it for the first time.

** _And the Pop-Up Sale_ ** ** [1.12]**

**Phil:** Don't forget to pick up customer comment card. Customers very important. It's all about the fans.

**Angelica**: Yeah, I'm not a fan of hearing what people have to say. For instance, what's happening right now—not a fan.

**Phil:** Angelica, feedback from customers is very important business tool. Perhaps we'll pump the brakes on sour waitress attitude.

**Angelica**: There's only one tool that can change my 'tude, but I'm gonna need two AA batteries and a 20-minute break.

**Justin**: _[to Susie]_ And so sorry to hear about your father being a criminal and you being penniless and all that ugliness. But it is kinda karma. You are where you are now, and I'm back on top.

**Angelica**: Look, Justin, I know we just met, but there's no way you're a top.

** _And the Secret Ingredient_ ** ** [1.13]**

**Angelica**: We just need to grab ten boxes of [Duncan Hines](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Duncan_Hines) cake mix and we're done.

**Susie**: Why would we need to do that?

**Angelica**: Why do you think? To make the cupcakes.

**Susie**: I thought the cupcakes were homemade.

**Angelica**: They are, I make them in my home.

**Susie**: You've been using a boxed cake mix?

**Angelica**: Relax, I only use it when I'm tired. And I add a secret ingredient of my own to the mix that makes them irresistible.

**Susie**: So you have no shame using the store-bought mix?

**Angelica**: I've no shame about anything. Shame is overrated like [Ke$ha](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kesha). In fact, they should rename shame "keshame." "I just bought a Ke$ha album, I'm so keshamed."

\------------------------------------------------------

**Taffy**: _[in a Jamaican accent]_ All right now, your total is $70.49.

**Susie**: Wow, that seems like a lot.

**Taffy**: I don't make the prices, now do I?

**Susie**: No, I was just commenting.

**Taffy**: Well, it's not [CNN](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/CNN), now is it?

**Angelica**: _[pulls out a few coupons]_ Here, give her the coupons.

**Susie**: The coupons?

**Angelica**: Yeah, here.

**Susie**: Angelica, you use coupons? I had no idea.

**Angelica**: You're looking at me like I'm on _[To Catch a Predator](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/To_Catch_a_Predator)_.

**Susie**: We don't need to use those, I have my tip money right here.

**Angelica**: What are you talking about, I have coupons. Here, take them. _[Hands Susie the coupons]_

**Susie**: _[tries to give Taffy the coupons]_ I— I have— _[turns back to Angelica]_ I can't, I don't want to. I've fallen so far, I can't fall any further. Don't make me.

**Angelica**: There's no need to go down a keshame spiral. _[takes Susie's hand with the coupons and puts it out to Taffy]_ Hi, she has coupons.

**Taffy**: Oh, now you tell me you have coupons? Should have told me before, now shouldn't ya?

**Susie**: I didn't wanna tell you at all, she made me. _[turns to Angelica, imitating Taffy's accent]_ Now didn't ya?

**Angelica**: Look, it's not a big deal. Lots of people use coupons.

**Susie**: Coupons are for—

**Angelica**: Poor people, yes. Like us. People who stand at the cash register and say things like, "Wow, $70? That seems like a lot."

** **

** _And the Upstairs Neighbor_ ** ** [1.14] **

**Susie**: _[referring to Cynthia]_ Oh, my God, she's a hooker. I've been using a hooker's lip gloss.

**Angelica**: She's not a hooker.

**Susie**: Oh, good.

**Angelica**: She's too old, she's a madam. You've been using an old hooker's lip gloss.

\-------------------------------------------------------

_[In a restaurant, after Cynthia asked if the girls would consider working for her and then excused herself from the table for a moment]_

**Susie**: I can't believe she would actually consider asking us to be prostitutes.

**Angelica**: I know. I mean, me, I get, but you, I don't see it. You heard the guy, I look like I could "take a lot." _[referring to a comment from one of the restaurant's waiters]_

**Susie**: Angelica, it's not funny. Isn't it bad enough I may have gotten herpes from her Chanel gloss?

**Angelica**: Of course we're not gonna do it, but come on, you'd be a terrible hooker.

**Susie**: Thank you, I would be a terrible hooker. I have a heart, and soul, and dreams, and wanna fall in love and have a family.

**Angelica**: Oh, just say it, you're bad in bed.

** **

** _And the Blind Spot_ ** ** [1.15] **

**Z**: _[comes out of the kitchen after learning Cynthia was at the diner]_ Kitchen was closed... But can now be open again for such a beautiful woman. Hello. I am the chef.

**Angelica**: Oh, here we go. Ukraine's gonna try to invade Poland. It's double [D-Day](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/D-Day_\(military_term\)).

**Susie**: Z, this is our neighbor, Cynthia.

**Cynthia**: I would like to have a plate with sausage on it while I look over the menu.

**Z**: Yowza. You are like someone super-sized [Victoria's Secret](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Victoria%27s_Secret) angel. I'd like to [Gisele on your Bündchens](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gisele_B%C3%BCndchen).

**Cynthia**: _[hits Z in the crotch with a magazine]_ You're gonna act like a dog, I'll treat you like a dog.

\---------------------------------------------

**Susie**: _[notices Angelica smoking one of Cynthia's electric cigarettes]_ Angelica, you shouldn't smoke. You'll get...

**Angelica**: What, electrocuted? This is silly. If I'm gonna suck on something this hard and get no pleasure out of it, I should just date.

\---------------------------------------------

**Z**: I would like to hire you to clean my house.

**Cynthia**: Oh, yeah, this is possible. I will send girl. What is your address?

**Z**: I don't want some girl. I want you to come clean.

**Cynthia**: Oh, you cannot get me to come.

**Z**: Oh, I can get you to come.

**Cynthia**: No, I can no longer come anymore. No, Angelica and Susie can come.

**Angelica and Susie**: No, no, no, no, we're not coming.

**Z**: So no one can get you to come?

**Cynthia**: Well, some people can get me to come... Just not you.

**Z**: Hard to get... I like it.

**Angelica**: _[to Susie, after both got flowers from Susie's father]_ Roses from a man. Now I'm starting to get it. Is it weird that I kind of wanna have sex with your dad?

\------------------------------------------------

**Angelica**: You realized I replaced that [Purell](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Purell) with [K-Y](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K-Y_Jelly), right?

**Susie**: Angelica, please say you're kidding.

**Angelica**: Of course I'm kidding. I can't afford lube. I just use my tears.

**Susie**: Angelica, seriously, don't mess with my hand sanitizer. I've already caught poverty this year and I refuse to catch the flu.

\------------------------------------------------

**Angelica**: Dude, you and the webmaster have been talking "business" every day for a week. Is something going on there? Shouldn't the web be mastered by now?

**Susie**: It's strictly business.

**Angelica**: All right, but it's costing us $200. Might as well get something out of it. Maybe let him browse your Yahoo? Looks like he might have a big ol' hard drive with a lot of RAM.

**Susie**: Yeah, he's cute, but I don't want a relationship right now. And I don't do one-night stands.

**Angelica**: All right, so don't stand. Lay down.

**Susie**: That's not me—the next morning, doing the walk of shame. I always see those girls with their messed-up sex hair, carrying their heels, clutching their coats to hide last night's outfit.

**Angelica**: Going into [Kinko's](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/FedEx_Office) to use Google Maps so you can figure out where you are.

**Susie**: You really put the "ho" in "Kinko."

\----------------------------------------------------

_[At the prison, after Angelica offered to be searched by a guard so that Susie could visit her father]_

**Susie**: I'm so excited to see my father after all this time. How do I look?

**Angelica**: You look good. How do I look? Do I still have that freshly felt-up glow?

**Susie**: Well, that ginger over there thinks you look good. He's full-on staring at you.

**Angelica**: Well, I should hope so. If you can't get a dude in prison to check you out, it's time for a makeover.

\---------------------------------------------------

**Susie**: _[after someone knocks on the door]_ It's 3:00 a.m. Who would be coming over now?

**Angelica**: I don't know, my dealer, my other dealer? That guy who always asks if I know where my dealer is?

_[Susie turns around with a shocked look on her face after looking through the peephole]_

**Angelica**: Who is it?

**Susie**: You can't handle what's on the other side of that door.

**Angelica**: Yesterday, I saw a guy on a stoop frenching his cat. I can handle anything.

**Susie**: _[opens the door]_ Z, what are you doing here? And you put the "oh, no" in kimono.

**Z**: Your upstairs neighbor Cynthia is allowing me to have sex with her. And I came down to borrow some sensual oils. Preferably, ones that you can eat.

\---------------------------------------

**Angelica**: _[to Steve and Michael, a gay couple]_ I'll go grab some menus for you girls.

**Susie**: Angelica!

**Angelica**: Sorry. I'll go grab some menus for you ladies. _[walks away]_

**Michael**: Love her... So [Madeleine Stowe](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Madeleine_Stowe) in _[Revenge](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Revenge_\(TV_series\))_.

**Steve**: Oh, she is.

**Susie**: I don't watch that.

**Michael**: We love it. It's all about a young black woman who's out to seek revenge on everyone for destroying her family.

**Susie**: Yeah, too close to home.

\----------------------------------------

**Susie**: Mr. Pangborn, this is my friend, Angelica. Angelica, this is Estes Pangborn, one of my father's attorneys.

**Angelica**: Oh, I've never known a lawyer who wasn't court-appointed for me. Well, except for the ones on _[Law & Order](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Law_%26_Order)_. Have you ever been on that show?

**Estes:** No, I'm a real lawyer.

**Angelica**: You look like someone who was on that show. Are you sure you didn't represent the woman who ate her child?

**Estes:** I've never represented anyone who ate their child... on _Law & Order_. Susie, I'm sorry to drag you into this, but the prosecutor is asking for you to give a deposition regarding your father's case.

**Angelica**: Anything I can do to help? I'm pretty courtroom savvy. I mean, I haven't seen every episode of _Law & Order_, just, like, 400 of them.

\------------------------------------------

_[At the drug trial, after a male nurse read off the possible side effects]_

**Angelica**: Anal leakage. _[Susie looks shocked]_ The _grande dame_ of side effects. _[the nurse gives each a small plastic cup with a drug inside]_ Well, bottoms up.

**Susie**: Angelica, don't say that after "anal leakage."

\-------------------------------------------

**Susie**: Angelica. Do you have any gum? My breath tastes like someone else's breath.

**Angelica**: You're asking me if I have any gum? That's like asking New Jersey if it has any sluts.

**Susie**: Great. There were onions in my street meat. Listen to me. "Onions in my street meat." Last year, I was taking meetings on [Wall Street](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wall_Street). This year, I'm eating meat from the street by a wall.

**Angelica**: _[searching her purse]_ Let's see. Phone, chapstick. A pill! Could be birth control, could be ecstasy. Waiting for a day off to find out. Why wait? _[takes pill]_ If I start touching your hair in an hour, don't let me have sex with anyone.

\--------------------------------------------

**Susie**: _[after someone knocks on the door]_ Who is it?

**Cynthia**: _[from behind door]_ [Kim Kardashian](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kim_Kardashian).

_[Susie opens the door and lets her in]_

**Cynthia**: No, I'm not Kim Kardashian. No, I work for a living.

\------------------------------------------------

** _And the Big Buttercream Breakthrough_ ** ** [1.22]**

**Susie**: Before I forget, I printed up more of our cupcake business cards so we can hand them out tomorrow at the Williamsburg crafts fair.

**Angelica**: Ooh, can't wait. Me and you handing out free cupcakes, stuck between hipsters selling crochet iPad sleeves and [Salt-n-Pepa](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Salt-n-Pepa) salt and pepper shakers.

**Susie**: We're not just giving them away for free. It's marketing. One person eats it and spreads it around to their friends.

**Angelica**: So we're herpes.

**Susie**: I made a call to a connection I know and got us a real cupcake job. And it's in Manhattan. It's the first birthday party for the son of a socialite. 60 cupcakes with buttercream frosting. Up top!

**Angelica**: _[surprised]_ Buttercream?

**Susie**: This is not the response I was expecting from my business partner. I was expecting, "Wooo! Awesome job! Thumbs up, buddy!"

**Angelica**: Why? Is your business partner on a show on [Nickelodeon](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nickelodeon)? Look, I don't do buttercream. Buttercream is a bitch. If it doesn't stay refrigerated, it falls apart as fast as a two-celebrity marriage.

** _\--------------------------------------------_ **

** _And Martha Stewart Have a Ball_ ** ** [1.23 & 1.24]**

**Angelica**: _[notices an odd-looking man typing on an old typewriter and approaches him]_ Wow! Bummer, dude. You have a time machine and somehow it got programmed to this crap diner?

**Steampunk guy**: I must admit, I am quite taken with [steampunk](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steampunk).

**Angelica**: Oh, steampunk! Right, I remember that trend. It happened for, like, ten seconds back in 2000-and-are-you-kidding-me? Dude, seriously, you're sitting in a public place tap-tap-tapping on an oldie typewriter? What are you? In [The League of Extraordinarily Pretentious Gentlemen](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/The_League_of_Extraordinary_Gentlemen)?

**Steampunk guy**: Aren't you being a little aggressive?

**Angelica**: Yup. That's how people are here in the present where we live. But don't get me wrong, I'd like to go back in time, too. Maybe stop 9/11 or that creep who had sex on my shoe, but I can't.

**Steampunk guy**: Present? Where's that uniform from? Like, 1998?

**Angelica**: Oh, stop, or I'm gonna have to shoot you with a [Smith & Wesson](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Smith_%26_Wesson) I'm currently packing in my bloomers.

\------------------------------------------------

**Susie**: _[after Cynthia finds an invitation to the [Metropolitan Museum's annual gala](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Met_Ball) in Susie's hate mail]_ This is my favorite social event in all of New York. I've gone every year since I was 18. It's a fashion ball at the Museum of Art—

**Angelica**: Yeah, I know what it is. I catered it last year.

**Susie**: Angelica, how weird. We were probably right in the very same room.

**Angelica**: Then there's a good chance I spit in your drink. Not really, unless you were acting all prissy and demanding.

**Angelica and Susie**: There's a good chance I/you spit in your/my drink.

\------------------------------------------------

_[At the gala, after Angelica and Susie change into caterer uniforms so they can sneak in through the servers' entrance]_

**Susie**: What are we gonna do with our dresses? We can't leave them out here. I need them inside. I have to look amazing when I meet [Martha Stewart](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Martha_Stewart).

**Angelica**: What does it matter what we're wearing? We're still gonna be the two crazy girls chasing her down with a cupcake.

**Susie**: That's why it matters.

**Angelica**: _[spots a big steel box]_ Oh, ooh! I know. Here. Help me get the shelves out of this. We can hang our dresses in here and push them in.

**Susie**: Brilliant. Kind of like the [Louis Vuitton](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Louis_Vuitton) travel wardrobe I used to have.

**Angelica**: Or the service elevator I was born in.

\----------------------------------------------------

_[Susie offers Martha Stewart a cupcake moments after coming out of a stall in the ladies' room]_

**[Martha Stewart](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Martha_Stewart)**: Well, in spite of the fact that you have not yet washed your hands...

**Susie**: I was just changing my dress in there.

**Martha Stewart**: I'll taste it.

**Susie**: You will?

**Martha Stewart**: I like your entrepreneurial drive. And, uh, I have a feeling that it's actually the only way I'm gonna get out of here alive.


End file.
